Expending Myself

I am down to one week before I leave for Tyre, Lebanon, to help with a birth. I will leave February 5. Right now my return trip is set for February 22, but we (the team of three - mom, dad, and me) may change that, depending on when the baby arrives. It may be earlier or later. I will travel through Chicago and London, and then on to Beirut, where my hosts will pick me up and drive me to Tyre. The return trip will just be in the opposite direction.

This morning as I contemplated the trip before me I made a decision. I have decided to allow my name to be shared internationally for women who want to have a home birth abroad. This may not seem like a big step for some, I know, but it actually has been for me. Even though as a midwifery student my heart really wanted to minister to missionaries abroad in this way, as a midwife the realities of birth outside of the U.S. "comfort zone" began to weigh heavily on me. I wanted to be "careful." I also didn't want to be deluged with requests from the uttermost parts of the earth. I wanted to be able to pick and choose where I went. I also wanted to be able to choose when I went. After all, I have a life, too.

But this morning as I wrote in my journal, I realized that this may be my purpose in life right now. And what a waste, if I don't realize the purpose! And what a lack of obedience it is, this being careful. Being careful has its merits, but not when being careful means you deafen your ear to God's Spirit. So I said yes. I will allow God to move me where He will. And I will consciously be an Ambassador of the Man of Promise wherever I go.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot

Getting Ready

Well, I have one bag packed. Yesterday I sorted through all the midwife stuff and packed my midwife stuff for the trip to Lebanon. It all fit in one bag, and weighed 43 lbs. I'm hoping that I can get by with one more 50-lb. bag and my backpack for a carry on.

I will have to take more with me on this trip than on the trip to Zanzibar, simply because Zanzibar is a tropical island south of the Equator, and they were beginning to be in Summer. The clothes I needed were light.

Now is the middle of the winter in Lebanon, and it's about as cold there as it is here in central Texas. But the houses are colder than they are here; they are made of concrete blocks. No central heating is available, so layering clothes is one key to keeping warm. I have been knitting wool socks for my trip. My feet tend to stay cold all the time.

Anyway, a lot of people have been asking me how I got this "job" in Lebanon. "God" is as simple an answer as I can give, but most people want more details. A midwife friend of mine was made aware of the need of this couple for a midwife in Lebanon, and she let me know about it. I knew immediately I was to go. I didn't have anyone else due at the time, and love to do this for people, so I contacted the couple via email, and the rest is history. We're all thrilled. And we're all praying hard.

Never Alone

The following are lyrics to a song I heard today. I was cleaning the kitchen this morning when it played on my computer. I went to the computer, backed it up, turned the volume up, and really listened. They sort of fit with my previous post. Here they are:

"Never Alone"

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]


The song is by Barlow Girl. And although I wouldn't have written the song just so, the words echo what I sometimes feel. That faith isn't about what you see, hear, smell, etc. It's about what you know. So I'll trust the unseen.

Thoughts on Faith

I've been having thoughts lately on faith and faithfulness. Habakkuk, an Old Testament prophet, says that the just shall live by faith (or faithfulness).

If the level of faith stayed the same throughout life, there would be one big jump to faith, and then we could just keep that level the same. It wouldn't be too hard. Most people can do that.

In my life, however, it seems that God keeps upping the level. If I thought that He was unfair in this, I would have resentment initially, then I would just drop out. If God were a man, He would be impossible to please. I have a problem with people like that. They're never happy with what you've accomplished. They look at your latest completed project and yawn and say, "That's nice. Now let's go on to the next big thing." They are never happy or appreciative. They are just demanding.

As I said, if God were a man, that's what He would be like. However, His purposes are not the same as ours. When He asks me to take a bigger step of faith than the last one, it is something He helps me do. If my faith were in myself, having bigger faith would really be an impossible walk on the water. But since I know that my faith is in Him, and that He does not change, all I have to do is to look back upon the past times in which He was faithful. After all, He is the One who breathed out the stars.

How can a birth in Lebanon be difficult for Him?

I am looking at the countdown until I leave for Lebanon. I leave on February 5, so that is now less than three weeks. It is nineteen days. Everyone is doing well, but the unknown is...well, unknown. And there is no one who can tell us what is coming. So, for now, we rely on Who He is. Who He has been in the past. And we know that He is good. And that He loves us. And so we take Him by the hand and say, "Lead on, o loving One. Take me down the road. Just don't let go of my hand. I need you more than words can say. And if You don't lead, I will die."

New Year, New Baby

I just attended my first birth of the year. Very sweet, very intense, very personal, full of faith. It was a wild ride for "Luanne," the laboring mom, as she went from starting labor to holding her baby in two-and-a-half hours. She started her labor at 3:30 p.m. and was holding her new little boy at 6:09 p.m. Generally speaking, if a labor is short, it is very, very intense. And usually, if it is short, everything is also going well.

"Einstein" called me around 5 p.m. to let me know we were "on." I started getting my clothes changed and my kit in the car, and before I had loaded everything, he called again to say, "Come on!" So I was on the road by 5:13 with only a 30-minute drive.

He called again when I was still some way out and said, "She feels like pushing!"

"Are you okay with that?" I responded.

"I think I'm okay with it," he replied.

"Okay, then make sure she pushes very slowly and..." I went on to give him some other details.

Then, I put my flashers on and beeped some cars out of the way so I could speed up and get there!

I don't know how many minutes I shaved off the drive, but I skidded into the driveway as Einstein was calling me again to tell me that he could feel the baby's head heading down and out! I popped the trunk of my car open, grabbed my purse, the chart, and two of my bags, and was in the house in a flash! "Let me wash my hands, and I'll be right with you!" I shouted breathlessly.

Then I calmed down. Took a couple of breaths. In less than 20 minutes, baby Willem was caught by Einstein and me and laid lovingly on his mommy's abdomen. And the miracle of birth overwhelmed me again. I don't know how "often" I pray during birth. I think sometimes that it is a long prayer, breathed out with pauses in between phrases. Both Einstein and I were praying; Luanne might have been praying, too, but she was also riding it out.

And as soon as the baby was on her abdomen, Ashlea walks in. At that point, I had not charted a single line. Does it matter? At that moment, no, but it does in posterity. So Ashlea grabs the chart and starts it for me. I will fill in details later. Right now, we're reveling in new life.

Baby Apgars at 10 in the first minute of life. He weighs less than his brother did, but is longer. A new life. Not a repeat. Not at all.

We sit together on the bed before parting, and pray again. It is a sweet time, and soon I'm out in the very crisp air, headed home...